Why Beauty for Ashes

I have been on a journey of recovery and restoration in my marriage for over a year now. During this time I have learned much and feel that I must write it. Why Beauty for Ashes? I came across Isaiah 61 during one of my quiet times and I immediately thought if I ever have a blog that will be it's name.

Isaiah 61:3 "To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness."

Here is to becoming a tree of righteousness!

Blessings,

Heather Kay

A Little Background

I was raised in church every time the doors were open and led a very sheltered, fun little life.

When I was 13 my world started to change. From kindergarten I was in a very small Christian school where everyone was much like a family. I had 8 friends who had all been there from the beginning with me. Our principle was so wonderful and had a huge influence on me. He was very understanding and really loved to teach. My thirteenth summer he fell asleep at the wheel and was killed instantly. His little boy who was 5 lived but had brain damage afterward.

I believe everyone has a story and I really enjoy hearing other peoples story. I am one of those friends who always listens. In a large way this is my own fault as I am a private person. I think I am going to enjoy having this outlet for my story.

Blessings,

Heather Kay

Background Part Two

Two years later at the age of 15 my father was laid off at his job. The pastor and his family and another family close to my parents had moved to Florida. My father had a job opportunity there and off we went. Now I was a Michigan girl of the 80's and as you know style is on the coasts. I went from being very popular at my small school to being a total geek with neon shoe laces in 10th grade. However I was young and pretty so the boys were interested. I really lacked a good girl friend the rest of my high school years. Well I made it through although it was a rocky time at school and at home.
I was "going out" with a guy two years younger than me when I went off to college. We wrote letters and missed each other desperately. I was at Pensacola Christian College and it was very strict!! I was so homesick! I was also only 17 when I graduated so I was just too young to be away from home yet. When I got back home for Christmas I begged to stay home and thankfully was allowed to. While I was at college my parents marriage fell apart. This resulted eventually in my break up and my younger sisters pregnancy. My parents after being separated awhile did get back together.
During all of that I just decided within myself that I would not let any guy hurt me again. I would have fun but no one was going to get to my heart. This has affected my life in such a great and hurtful way.
I will just continue this background stuff until I get to the present day. However, in the present day, I am a homeschooling mom of two great kiddo's and I must go get to it.
Blessings,
Heather Kay

Background the Third

A few years go by of working and dating but guarding my heart. My family moves into a new neighborhood of condo's and there is a pool right outside our front door. Being a Michigan girl my opportunities to swim were few and far between, however, I loved it with a passion. This was a dream come true!
The first week we were there I was swimming at the pool and a guy comes by walking his dog. He was friendly and I asked if he would like to join me swimming. He said no the Cubs were on. I thought ok, whatever. During the next weeks I got to know J.D., I found out that he was a sports nut and a great friend. I also found out that he was about 6 years younger than I originally thought that day I asked him for a swim. Making me almost 8 years older than him.
We became fast friends. We both had other dating relationships but did everything together. This went on for a couple of years. I continued to pursue my career with Wal-Mart and he kept playing baseball and going to high school. I lived in C 2 and he lived in E 1 at the condo's we could see each other across the parking lot.
His senior year I began to realize I had feelings for him. This was not part of my plans! I was offered a job opportunity to move 1200 miles away. I talked to my sister who really needed to get away from a bad relationship with her boys father and asked if she would come away with me. I was 25 and had only been away from home that one semester while at college. My sister agreed and we packed up our things. (and a few of our parents things too) :)
More tomorrow!

Moving On

My sister, 4yr old nephew, and I moved away. I was traveling for Wal-Mart and this is when I realized two things.
1. Although I had been raised in church and in christian schools I never had anything real happen there.
2. I was really lonely.

I went a little crazy for a few months. I was traveling with a few people who really liked to drink/party and I just joined right in. I was miserable! J.D. and I talked often and I continued to try to push my feelings for him away. About 6 months after my move I knew that I would be making a big mistake if I let him get away.

I was able to get assigned a job in Florida for a couple months and we pursued our relationship. In June he moved up to be with me. I was still traveling and he got a job at a warehouse. As God would have it the man who trained him immediately started witnessing to him. J.D. had not been raised in church. His background is Catholic without actually attending mass or anything. He says "backsliding catholics". This was exactly what he was searching for and knew it right away.
This scared me more than a little. I had been hurt by more than one man I looked up to at church and I was not interested.

I am sorry these posts are so long. There is so much of this that has led to where I am I just have to share it. If any one is reading stick in there! There's some really good stuff to come.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Interruption and Continuation

I interrupt this stream of posts to say that in real time, (Jack Bauer style) I am having nightmares. I have a 9 yr old son and he has been in the most terrible danger in the last 3 of 5 of my dreams. The other 2 were horrible dreams from the damage done to my marriage. I am really praying for some relief and some sleep!!

Okay where was I? J.D. had just started his new job and he called me (I was still traveling for WM) and told me about this wonderful news that he had just been saved. I was very angry about this. I did not want anything to do with God or the church. He was so excited! He was a new believer and on fire for the Lord. Everything he learned he wanted to share and I just wanted to run. You will learn from my story that I am a strong-willed child. I have learned many things the hard way!!

When J.D. found out we were "living in sin" he immediately said he was going to move out or we were getting married. I agreed to get married. We had a very small wedding not even giving our relatives time to make arrangements to come. Honestly, this is what I wanted. I never dreamed of a fairy tale wedding. I wanted to wear blue jeans and carry my beloved dog, Lassie, down the aisle. Well my dog had been gone for about 7 years and I did have enough sense to wear a dress.

By the way the pastor who married us did a little pre-marital counseling and did ask about our salvation's but I knew all the right words to say. I mean I was even a kid who went out and told others about the Lord. I knew the Romans Road by heart.

Shortly after we were married J.D. wanted to start going to church. I feel so embarrassed to tell you how ugly I was about it. I would fight with J.D. not to go. We were attending a Sunday School class and the pastor was going through some witnessing material and in it you had to write your testimony. When I went to write my testimony I knew it was not real.

I had taken a job close to home so I was not traveling any more. One night while driving home from work a semi truck swerved into my lane. I missed being hit but was very shaken. In the moments after that experience I knew very strongly that if I had been hit and killed I would have gone to hell. I told J.D. about it, but he, knowing my church background, thought maybe I just needed to rededicate my life to Jesus. He knew that I had walked an aisle as a 12 yr old and been baptized.

Well that was not the answer and I knew it. However, I let it stop me from making a decision for the Lord for a few miserable weeks. Then Dec 15, 1996 I was in church on a Sunday night and I knew I had to do something. I was ready to do whatever it took to get some peace. I went forward during the invitation and gave my life to Christ. I wish I could say that it totally softened my heart but it did not. I was just so cynical towards the actual church and it's people. I would say, for to long I looked up to men and now I'm looking to God. Now this is exactly what we should do but I had not resolved my "men" issues. Poor J.D.!!

Tomorrow-J.D.'s call to preach and my call for a divorce!

Blessings,
Heather

To Preach Or not To Preach

Around the time of my salvation, J.D. & I were driving to the mall one peaceful day. We were talking and he casually said, I think I'm called to preach. I wanted to jump out of the car right then and there. I said "Well I think I'm called to get a divorce." I was just joking...sort of.

My inward response was, okay, this is just not working out. I had followed through with a few things I was against already. I was married, going to church, and saved. What more did God want from me???

I was trying to be supportive of J.D.. Meanwhile I was having a battle big time with God. He did start preaching at our church and he was wonderful. There was no doubt that this is what God wanted him to do. It was the last thing that I wanted for my marriage and children!

I went along with J.D. as he filled in pulpits and we started teaching the Youth Group together. We found out that J (this is what I'll call him from now on as this is what I call him at home) was not very good with teenagers. (well he is great at playing with them, just not so much with the patience to teach them) I, however, had found my calling. I loved working with the teens. I could relate to their rebellion, moods, and struggle for independence. I could get through to them by being real with them, and showing that if God could love and use me, He surely loved them too.

By the time we were married 2 years J was interim preacher for a very small church in the middle of NO WHERE. It was a sweet little church with a creek running beside that they baptized in. There were just a handful of people there and they did not have a nursery worker so I was it. My daughter was about 10 months old and it was just she and I. Most Sundays I would sneak out back with her and walk along that creek while church was going on. i figured I couldn't have heard the message anyway. As you can imagine, I was not growing much in my christian walk during this time. Although I knew I had a relationship with Jesus, I just had not given over most of my life to Him.

This is where I will end today. I apologize for my horrible grammar skills. I am just not sure where all of the comma's go!!

I did get some peaceful sleep last night. Praise the Lord!!

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Did We Stay At the Church by the Creek?

J & I were at the little church by the creek about 4 months. I loved it there. I was very comfortable with the people, but most of all, I was comfortable with my slow growing walk with the Lord.

J had told them we would serve until a certain date and we were expecting to just quietly go back to our home church after that. One day the person who was kind've in charge came up and told J that they had voted him in as their pastor. Imagine our surprise! They had never even asked him to be their pastor! I honestly didn't want to leave. I could see being at that little church forever, raising my kiddo's by the creek. There was not a lot of pressure to be the perfect pastor's wife there.

We did go back to our home church. We remained the youth leaders and settled back in for a few months. My daughter and I went to Florida for a few weeks that summer. My ticket then took us to Virginia, where we met up with J, for a vacation with his fathers side of the family. Well, I never thought of packing birth control. Once again, it only took once to get pregnant.

About the time I found out I was pregnant, J was called to pastor our first church. It was a small church of about 30 people. They could not afford to pay much so J had to keep his full time job also.

Side note: When I had our daughter, I had every intention of going back to my well paying job at WM. After getting to bond with her those first weeks, I just could not leave her. I was blessed to have worked for WM for 9 years at that point. I rec'd a check from profit sharing that was enough to completely pay off our extra debt. We lived very simply in a 900 square ft. home, but we were happy. I also babysat and cleaned for another lady for awhile to help get us through.

Side note II: It's occurred to me that I need to name my children for the blog. I am just going to call them their nicknames here. My girl will be Doodle & my boy is Bubba. (for bubbalicious) We are not hicks but he was 10' 10" when he was born, and the dr. put a sign on his little bed that said "call me bubba". I called him bubbalicious, for my favorite gum, for quite a while.

Okay, so J was working 40 hours a week at WM, preaching 3 sermons a week, and going to college. I was about to have my first time of refining from the Lord. I was having a very difficult pregnancy. When we had the first ultrasound the Dr. was concerned about Down's Syndrome because of the size of my son's head. I was extremely uncomfortable those months and worried about my little guy. I also had gall bladder trouble during that pregnancy. My doodle has always been strong willed. (like her mom) At 4 months old I was already reading books for high need/strong willed children. She was not an easy baby.

Then the bomb dropped. J called me between work & college one evening to tell me that he was having severe stomach pain. He thought it was his appendix. He went to the hospital and they ruled out his appendix. However, he was still in pain. The rest of my pregnancy and J's illness is a long story. I will finish it tomorrow.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Oddi what?

My relationship with the Lord at this point is still at a stand still. I was once again the only nursery worker at our new church. I did teach the youth sunday school class. J watched the nursery while I taught it. So, I was at least preparing a lesson during the week. I didn't really trust God with my circumstances.

When the Dr.'s at the e.r. ruled out his appendix, they were baffled. There was not anything showing up in tests to explain the pain he was in. He saw many Dr.'s, Specialists, and they ran many tests. The bills were piling up, and I had a sick husband who slept most of the time on my hands. (because of the pain medication) I was getting pretty angry at God.

J, through all of this, had this really strong faith. He was willing to trust that God was going to use this for good. His hope was that his family would be saved as a result of it. He even said to me, "If I die and one of my family members get saved it is worth it." I'm thinking, that's wonderful, but not if you happen to be the one who is going to be left behind with the bills and two kids.

As mysteriously as the pain started, it just went away one day. J went back to work and things were looking up. I was getting ever more pregnant, and I was glad that he was able to help me around the house, and with Doodle again. A few weeks go by, and one night, while putting together our new bed, I noticed a wince go across his face. Sure enough, the pain was back.

It was close to Christmas and we were going to see our parents. J's mom worked for a neurologist, and through him, found a specialist for us to see. The day we got on the plane J was in a lot of pain. He was taking the pain med's and I, at 7 mos. pregnant, had to deal with carrying Doodle, and all of the stuff that went with her. I was so frustrated, and feeling sorry for myself.

When we got off the plane in Florida we took J straight to the E.R. He was put through many more tests. He saw many more specialists, and still no answer. The main Dr. decided that he just wanted the pain killers and actually discounted that he was in pain. We had a horrible experience with the Dr.'s and the hospital staff while we were down there.

During all of this, I am feeling more and more sorry for myself. I should be getting attention and taken care of. Instead, I am now wife, mother, maid, and NURSE. God was trying to me bring me to a point where I would see that He is in control. He wanted me to be able to pray, Your will be done, and mean it. As I have said, I am not an easy one to break.

Once back home, we went back to our regular family Dr.. We had so many people praying for us by this time. Our Dr. had an idea, he said it was a really long shot, but after all we had been through it was worth checking out. He sent us to yet another specialist. This specialist agreed with our Dr. (that it was a long shot) and J was set up to have an electric needle ran down his esophagus into his stomach. This was the 1st of February.

Hallelujah! It was Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction. I know!! What?!

A very small bile duct between his liver and pancreas was blocked. With the electric needle they opened it up. He should be fine. There was a snow storm coming in, and after doing the blood test to make sure he did not have pancreatitis, they sent us home. Guess what? He had pancreatitis! By the time we got home we knew we needed to get him back to the hospital. However, we live 35 minutes from that hospital, and the snow made the roads too bad for me to drive there. We would have to settle for our small hometown hospital.

J only thought he was in pain before. Apparantely there are few things more painful than pancreatitis. He was in the hospital another week. When he finally came home, I was one month from my due date.

However, two weeks later, while at the Dr. for yet another ultrasound, the Dr. discovered that I was in labor. They said the baby was going to be well over 9 lbs. and I needed to have a c section. I had trouble having Doodle, so this was the best option. I was sent over to the hospital, and Bubba was born 2 weeks early weighing in at 10' 10". Imagine if I had gone to my due date!

Tomorrow: Bubba's illness, medical bills, J's car accident, and I finally submit my will to God.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Bubba, Bills, and I'm Banana's!

After Bubba's birth we settled into a new form of normal. J was back to working, school, and preaching. Bubba was a pretty normal, colicky, baby until after his first set of shots. I was breastfeeding, and just could not figure out what to eat that would not make him fussy, and projectile vomit, every time I fed him. He woke up most mornings, about 5, screaming in pain. I was so exhausted.

The bills from J's medical experience were phenomenal! I had a notebook where I had them broke down by hospital, (there were 3) Dr., Specialist, procedure, etc. etc. There were well over 30 bills coming in each month. This was stressful, but, we were just sending what we could each month, (usually $10.00 a bill) and we were making it. Then the hospital here decided they were going to sue us for the balance of our bill. We had nothing, so, they would garnish J's wages. We were already living as tightly as we could.

My parents knew I needed a break, and offered to fly the kids and I down for a vacation. J's mom took care of his ticket. He was supposed to meet us for the last week and then we would fly back together. I am still not sure how I survived that experience. I learned on that trip that both of my children experience severe ear pressure when landing in an airplane. We had a layover that was purely miserable. I had a double stroller and at one point the babies car seat toppled off the top of it. (with him in it) It was supposed to secure into the stroller, but, who knows what happened. The people at my gate were looking at me and I could just hear them thinking.... I can not believe I got stuck with her and those babies on this flight! The flight was miserable, and when we landed, a lady actually walked by and said something very rude about the fact that I had no business flying with those babies. I wish I could remember her exact words but I have blocked them out.

Well that vacation was no pleasure trip either. Doodle decided to revolt, and, without her dad there to back me up, I was sunk. She was almost 3 and had decided that she did not need to obey me. Bubba had his shots right before we left, and he had a bad reaction to them. I took him to the E.R. at a different hospital than we had used for J because of our bad experience. I believe that is where he contracted clostridium difficile. The place was dirty and we were left with him screaming and feverish for hours in a room waiting on a Dr.. Shortly after that night he began having the black, tarry stools. He went from hard baby to impossible.


During this "vacation" I hardly slept. But, I was finally calling out to God for help. I was faithfully reading my Bible, praying, and asking God for wisdom. One day he gave me this verse:

I Peter 5:10 "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you."

I took comfort in those words. I was hoping that my suffering was about over. That I could get out of the valley of despair I had been in for months.

God had another plan. Shortly before J was supposed to fly down to meet me, he was hit head on by a driver who ran a stop sign. The car was totaled and he had hurt his neck. He was not able to come to Florida. I was at my wits end!! I just could not believe God would do this to me. I had figured out that He was in control of everything. I just could not understand His logic with this one.

My flight home was much like the trip down, with one exception. During the landing on the second flight, the nicest business man turned around, seeing I had my hands full with both crying kids, he offered to take Bubba and let me get my things together. He was so kind! For his trouble the little guy vomited all over him. I was so embarrassed! The man said it was okay, he was a dad, and glad he could help me out. I was so relieved to get off that plane.

Sidenote: I did not fly alone with both kids again for several years!!!

When I got back home I took Bubba to our Dr. and we got the diagnosis. He also could not eat anything! This is going to sound crazy but all I could give him that did not have him screaming in pain was formula and sweet potatoes. He also had night terrors. The only way to get him to come out of them was to drive him in the car. The change of scenery seemed to help.

I am going to wrap up this post and finish the Bubba story tomorrow. I just didn't realize how long this was going to take.

Because of J's injury the insurance company wanted to settle with him. We consulted a christian lawyer friend of ours. We were not out to make money, we just wanted to make sure that things went fairly on both ends. Amazingly, we rec'd a check from the insurance in the amount we needed to pay off most of the bills we had from J's illness. The check came in the same week we were going to court with the hospital. This was the first time God showed me specifically that He was at work in my life in a big way. After being so angry with Him about J's accident, and then finding that He had this plan all along. I just had to get on my knees, and repent of my lack of faith. This is the beginning of my walk with Him that has brought me here today.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Redemption

My pastor gave a lesson on redemption last night. It was so fitting for what I am writing about. He said,"When the truth of redemption enters our hearts, sin will leave our lives." He did not mean that we will never sin. Just that when we sin it will be so distasteful to us, when we really understand what Jesus did for us on that cross. That is where I finally was when we pick up this story....

The good thing about being head strong, is that once I am determined to do something, I put my all into it. Shortly after getting back from Florida, I asked one of the ladies in the church to talk with me. I explained to her that I was needing to grow in my christian walk. I needed out of the nursery and also needed more. She set up a nursery program for me. Also, she insisted on keeping Bubba while I went to Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). This changed my life!

Bubba was still sick, he had been to our Dr. and rec'd prescriptions a plenty, but he continued to get the positive clostridium diagnosis. He was somewhere between 1 and 2 when our Dr. recommended we take him to the Children's Hospital in our area. I was scared to do this because of what J had been through with so many tests. I knew that God was asking me to surrender to this though. (This was a really big deal to me) I tried to ignore His leading for a couple of months. Finally, I made that appointment.

J & I took Bubba to the Children's Hospital. The specialist looked over his records, checked his growth, etc. Then he told us that he recommended allergy testing for the pain he was experiencing after eating. Also, that we should not worry about the positive clostridium tests. He had not been having any diarrea or any other problems from the clostridium, just positive tests. I took Bubba to an allergy specialist shortly after getting back. He did have some slight allergies but that was not the answer. This trip was exactly what God wanted to give me. I was scared that the Dr. would order a bunch of tests and maybe even do surgeries to figure out what was wrong. Instead he gave us freedom to quit worrying.

The miracle of this is that God in His mercy healed Bubba. We never did get a negative test. However, the pain he was having after eating completely went away. It is 7 years later and he eats whatever he wants, and often. Praise the Lord!

While we were at that first church, the pastor of our home church left. It was about a year into that pastorate, and we both really felt like God was telling us that J would be called back there to preach. We never told anyone about this. We just prayed and asked God for His will. They had a pastor search committee set up, and it took them a year of searching. They even called another pastor. When this man & his wife went to look at the parsonage they gave them a list of remodels that would have to be done before they would live in it. The church wouldn't do the remodels so they didn't take the church. Funny how God works. Finally, they called J to preach. We were thrilled! Our first little church will always be dear to us. The people there were loving and supported us through our time of medical crisis. Also, they helped by working out many of the kinks of J being a first time pastor.

When we got to FBC it was mountain peak time for both of us. After being in the valley for so long, this mountain was wonderful to sit upon! J was able to quit his WM job and work full time for the church. The church was 2 minutes from the parsonage so for the first time in our marriage he was close to home. The parsonage to me was a dream come true! After being in my very small first home, it had over 1600 sq. ft. with 4 bedrooms. Yes, it was old, and needed a remodel, but I really didn't notice that at first. J had finished his commute to college and was doing the rest of his courses on line. He went from being exhausted and overworked to thrilled with his life.

During that time my love for the Lord just bloomed. Learning to submit to His will in everything was just so peaceful.

More tomorrow!

Blessings,
Heather Kay

FBC

I have classic supermom, superwife, superpastor's wife syndrome. I am one of those people who look like they have it all together. I am just telling you that no one has it all together all the time.

We were at FBC for five and a half years. I threw my life into that church. The church was down around 40 people after their year without a pastor. While we were there we ran around 100 people on Sunday morning. It was an exciting time of growth for the church and for us.

I am not your typical pastor's wife. I can't sing, play the piano, and I'm not at all graceful. I'm also kind've shy until I get to know someone. However, I love the Lord and love His people (esp teens & the elderly) so I did okay. By the second year we were pastoring FBC I found myself so busy at the church I wasn't ever even seeing J (or hearing him preach) while we were at church. I was teaching the Youth Sunday School, and Wednesday nights, teaching childrens church, and working in the nursery. I was also teaching a ladies bible study group on Monday nights. I was going faithfully to BSF so between that daily Bible study and preparing for my teaching I was really getting a lot of Bible knowledge and strengthening my walk with the Lord. However, I was exhausted from doing so much.

We also bought a small fitness center in our town during that time and I managed that. I worked out there before we bought it and when the owners were closing it I was so disappointed. Well once I started managing it, it was a job to go up there. I had to keep it clean and take care of the customers and slowly I let my workouts slide. I have never had much self/body confidence. With the weight gain came an increasing lack of self esteem.

J on the other hand has never had a problem with self esteem. He is one of those people who learns quickly and just always seems to land on his feet. (he very annoyingly wins at almost every game we play) God has blessed him with a wonderful, outgoing personality and people just naturally love him. He was always getting so much positive attention from everyone else that I never felt like he needed any from me. (Why feed his ego?)
I thought that I was doing everything he could possibly ask for. He came home everyday to a clean house, clean happy kids, a good home cooked meal, etc. etc. This is my love language (service) and I gave it to him big time.

I am trying to set the stage for our next church. There is so much to tell and I don't want to get ahead of myself. I am going to take the weekend to try to put it together.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Guest Blogger, J

5 years into our time at FBC, J was called by a local pastor who asked if he would consider sending a resume to another church. FBC had just sold the parsonage and gave us a housing allowance which we used to buy a home. We were very settled in at FBC and I had dreams of staying there until retirement. I was very happy, teaching the Youth, and serving with some great friends. I wanted nothing to do with this move.

As the months went by of communicating with the "next church" I came around...to a point. I was not thrilled with this move, however, I love to make others happy and seeing J so excited was contagious. I also felt led to follow my husband's leading in this. I knew that God would bless my obedience. It was not a huge move only a hour from our house.

We were voted in unanimously and J started the commute up there. He went Monday's, Tuesday's, and Thursday's. We drove up together Wednesday's and Sunday's. Our house was up for sale and we were hoping to relocate up there quickly so that we could be together more often.

At this point, I am asking J to finish this part of the story.

Let me start by saying that I make no excuses for what happened. I am also not going to fall into the trap of saying that I am glad this happened because my marriage is stronger. Our marriage is stronger but that is only by the grace of God.

I was extremely excited to be at the new church. The people were great, energetic, and they laughed at my jokes!!! I started to rely on me and not on the Lord. I became very prideful being in a larger church and preaching on the radio every week. It became more about me and less about the Lord. This would ultimately lead to the biggest mistake of my life. You see, in my mind, I was walking in a playground-when in reality I was walking in a battlefield and was not prepared for battle.

Within a few months of being at the new church I entered into an adulterous relationship. My focus was not on the Lord and I kept going down a slippery slope. Let me make something clear- Satan did not make me sin, I did. James says that we are all enticed by our own desires. I take full responsibility for my actions and there is no one to blame but myself.

I thought that I could end it and really desired to but didn't. I never thought of the consequences and I lost sight of God's hatred of sin. Again, it was all about me. This went on for three months before I was questioned about it and came forth with the truth. Believe it or not, I was finally glad to start telling the truth again. I was not sure what was going to happen. I resigned the church and thought for sure that I was going to lose my family. I was extremely confused and didn't even know what I wanted. I was truly blinded by my own sin and selfishness. I was too prideful to ask for help.

Over the course of the few weeks that followed, God got hold of me again. I repented and began to see just how disgusting sin is. I was also a mess. Heather had a supernatural strength. God was using her to keep us together. She was so supportive of me, even though I put her through hell on earth. We were in church the very next Sunday, where we are currently members. The very first song that was sung by the choir was "I am a friend of God." I lost it. I couldn't see myself as a friend of God when I had just gone through the last three months of trying to do things without Him.

This is not easy to write but it is my prayer that our story would be used by the Lord for His glory and to give hope to others. Our marriage is stronger today than it ever has been, but it should have been that way before!! It could have been with God as the focus and not me. I have found contentment in the Lord now which is something I didn't have before. God is in control and that is not based on my circumstances or just when I need Him. We need to ask ourselves whether we treat God as the spare tire or the steering wheel. He used to be my spare tire. I kept Him in the trunk and just pulled Him out when I desperately needed Him. Once the problem was solved He went right back in the trunk. Now He is the steering wheel. I realize that I cannot go anywhere or do anything right unless I am holding on to Him and letting Him direct my steps. Will I ever pastor again? It really doesn't matter. What I mean is- I am going to walk with the Lord whether I am in a pulpit or sitting in the pew. It is not about my position in a church, but my position in Christ!!! I have found forgiveness from my Lord and my wife.

Here we are almost two years later. God has blessed us in so many ways. I am so thankful to be married to Heather. She is my everything!! I love her more than words can describe. She is beautiful, smart, funny, and the woman of my dreams!

What a blessing it is to still have my family. To God be the glory for the great things He has done. It is all about Him!!

Blessings,
J

Lessons Learned

There are several lessons both of us learned to late:

In our ministry we always worked hard for the Lord and the church. We never worked together as a team. He taught his classes, I taught mine. We rarely even saw each other at church.

In our marriage we both thought we were meeting each others needs. We were both wrong.

I had closed off my heart years earlier and brought the fear of rejection and hurt into my marriage.
I was never open with my feelings. He would have to drag them out of me.

We were very close friends with the other person. He was in a work situation with her and allowed her to share to many secret personal things with him. Keeping all of these secrets eventually led to Satan ensnaring my husband.

Pride truly does come before a fall.

I always felt like if he just met my needs we would be fine. I really thought I was not the problem. Selfishness got in my way. My husband was starved for his wife's attention, affection, and overall approval. Satan knew this would be J's downfall. He knew right where to attack and he attacked hard and fast.

We are all susceptible to attacks on our marriage. Do not ever think a person of the opposite sex is "out of the question". My husband, nor I, would have ever thought she would have been a problem. That is how Satan works. He knew that J and I would be on guard for the obvious.

I can't wait to tell you of the wonderful ways God was real to me following the affair.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Painful Night

First, the movie Race to Witch Mountain, was really good. My kids are 9 & 11, my sister's are 10, 11, and 19 and they all enjoyed it.

Now back to the story, the three months during the affair were very depressing, confusing months for me. We had moved to an empty parsonage at another church about 20 minutes from the new church. Our house had not sold so we could not get settled in our new town. It was not close enough for J to come home for lunch, but close enough that he was going into work everyday. He was pulling away from the kids and I, I just thought it was being so busy and not seeing each other as often as before. I was very unhappy but I really didn't understand why.

One night while on vacation, I had a terrible dream that while we were there, J was having an affair, and emailing back and forth with his phone. (this is exactly what was happening) I woke up sobbing and told J about it. He of course denied it, but later said it was God trying to get through to him.

Although this was a very hard time for me, my relationship with the Lord was very deep and sweet. I had learned to rely on Him, and in many ways, He had prepared me for this darkest time of my life. The day J and O (for other person) came to tell me what was going on, I was in shock. I did suspect that J was having an affair, although I was in supreme denial, but I never thought it would be O. When he told me, I know the Holy Spirit led me to ask him to stay with me that night. I just said, "promise me you'll stay with me tonight, you owe me that". He promised. This, I believe, changed our lives.

J & O walked away from her spouse and I to talk and while I watched them I could see so clearly that J was in a trap. This changed my heart. When he first told me I just thought it's over and I'm done with him. That night was the most painful night of my life. However, the Lord never left my side.

It was a Wednesday so we went to the church for J to resign. He stood in front of the church and I was in the back with some ladies around me and they were saying things about J & O. I knew I needed to say something. This WAS NOT J's character. He has never been a liar, he loved the Lord, and I knew that Satan had taken down someone he considered a big threat. I did stand in front of the church and defend my husband. After church two couples had a huge impact on us. One came forward and took our kids for the night. The other couple sat with us and shared their own testimony of recovering from an affair in their past.

By the time we got home J was so exhausted, he hadn't really had a restful nights sleep in so long with all of the lies and sin in his life. We talked a little while and he fell asleep hard. I did not sleep at all that night. I talked to the Lord all night long. I would have waves of extreme panic and then the Lord would bring a sudden peace back to me.

I am going to pick up here tomorrow.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

3:30 A.M.

It's 3:30 A.M. and I can't sleep. Reliving these memories is very hard and the sooner I get to the other side of this weekend's story the better.

A couple of things from Wednesday night. At one point while we were talking, J said I can feel the power of the prayers that are being prayed for us. We later found out that there were many couples who prayed for us through that night. One couple even drove over to where we were to make sure he had not left me alone and to pray in front of the house we were staying at. It was very powerful!

At some point during that night I said to J, "God made me for you, I was made for you and you were made for me." This had a strong impact on J.

In my own strength I am nothing, however, during this time I really had relinquished control to the Holy Spirit and His work through me during this time was amazing. I say this only to brag on the awesome God I serve.

Thursday morning J came to me and told me he was ready to be the husband God wanted him to be. We spent that day with friends from the church and he was really strong sharing what God had done. When we got back to the house that night I knew he was getting weaker. The spiritual warfare in that house was so strong. It was a heaviness that I could feel. I knew that we needed to get out of there.

Friday morning J was having second thoughts about staying with me. I just told him that if he contacted O in any way I was done. I truly meant that. I decided that I had to get him with some of the good christian men from the church and I needed to get myself out of that house and back home. I knew that I would be okay if I could move back to my home community. We had a large support group there and even if J did not come home the other pastors would make sure I was taken care of.

I called my sister and told her the situation. Quickly she and her husband were on their way to help me move. I don't remember how it happened but one of the ladies from the new church got wind of what I was doing. The lady who had been in front of my house praying and the lady who kept my kids Wed. both showed up at that parsonage. One with boxes and food, and the other with a truck and teenagers to help me move. I was a complete mess. Of course nothing in my house had been packed and the place was a total wreck. I am still amazed when I look back at that day. By 4:30 in the afternoon we were totally moved back home.

When I walked into my home I was overwhelmed with God's love for me. You see I had prayed for 5 months that He would sell this house. I had begged Him to sell it. I just knew that if He would sell it things would be better for us. He knew all along that I would need my home waiting for me. I am welling up with tears right now thinking about how protected and loved by my Heavenly Father I felt that night.

Side note: The lady with the truck spent that whole day working harder than three men for me. I have never seen anything like it. Later I learned that it was her birthday. I thank God for these christian ladies who sacrificed for me!!

Meanwhile J had spent the day with two men from the church and they had counseled him and listened to him all day. When he showed up at home, I was not sure if I wanted him there. He was not sure if he wanted to be there either. There was only one couple left at our house. The wife said she really wanted us to go in the bedroom and get on our knees and pray together. She was not going to take no for an answer.

We did go and pray together. That started something that we did often for the next months. Sometimes it was me having moments of weakness and other times it was him. He struggled with forgiving himself for what he had done. He also had lost the ministry he loved.

That night I woke in the middle of the night and God revealed my sin in my marriage to me. I am not taking the blame for what J did. I only know that for us I did have a large part in his need for affection that I was not meeting. I shared with him the hurt and fear of rejection I had held onto for so long. It's an odd thing how insecurity causes us to push away the one we need the most.

Saturday is a blur. I really don't remember it. I know a dear pastor friend of ours came out that morning and counseled with us but don't remember the rest of the day.

Sunday I knew I had to be the strong one in getting us to church. This was very hard for J. The pastor is a close friend of ours and did know the story. He had even come up to talk to us on Thursday. When we walked into his Sunday School class there were tears just flowing down J's face. Bro. S (our pastor still) just said, "Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord.".

The message that day was in II Corinthians 7. Now Bro. S preaches verse by verse through the Bible so this message was not directed at J by him. However, it could not have been more directed at J by the Holy Spirit. Verses 9-11 are what he preached on.

II Cor. 7:9-11
Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted: but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

By the end of that message J had godly sorrow. He went to the altar and cried out for forgiveness. I was beside him and we were both weeping. This is truly when our healing began.

I think I will go back to bed now.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Healing

I have not posted in a couple of days. I have been very busy with my sister's family and the kids being on spring break. Also, I have been praying over how to go on. If this was a book on recovering from an affair, I would give all kinds of good advice and keep the ugly stuff out of it. But this is not a book, it is my story and I am a real, sinful, fallen human being, who happens to be saved by grace.

The week following that Sunday J's best friend (R) drove across his state and our own to see him. He is a pastor and he and J met on a mission trip to Brazil. They have the kind of friendship you usually only find once in your life. I was very amazed and touched at his selflessness to leave his home for the week to make sure we were okay. He stayed w/ another dear friend of ours to give us space and time to heal and we just got together each day. He helped us through changing our phone #'s and a few other walls we needed to break down.

At this point J was sorry for his sin, however, the impact of what he had lost was becoming very real to him also. When we are doing what God called us to do, we are always happiest. God had called J to preach. Any other job was not going to compare. He was lost, his degree and everything he had worked for no longer meant anything. We had about a months salary in savings and I was not at a point where I could even imagine him going back to work. We were both so weak at this point.

I was not eating and barely sleeping. On Tuesday our friend (who came out Saturday) Bro. R.E. invited us and R(this is who he was staying with) to supper. He and his wife have the gift of hospitality. They welcomed us with open arms and Bro. R.E. made us laugh with stories the whole evening. It was the first time either of us had laughed, and, it was the first whole meal that I had eaten since the previous Wednesday.

While we were there J got a call from a deacon at the former church. They had a deacons meeting and had voted to pay J 3 months salary. They loved us and wanted us to be able to take some time to heal and for J to find a job. Isn't this amazing?! That church who had just been hurt so bad was showing God's forgiving love and grace to us. I am still astounded at this.

When R left to go home we were both kind of lost. We had to get used to a new kind of normal. We had not been together this much ever in our marriage. He was always home! We started every day reading our Bibles. We would each write a verse that stood out from what we read on a sheet of paper and I would post that paper on the fridge. Soon our fridge was covered in great verses. We also got on our knees and prayed together before we left our room each morning. Looking back I realize how many blessings the Lord was pouring on us during that time. I was aware of His presence like never before, but, I truly was so hurt, and scared of the future, that I could not fully see everything He was doing for me right then.

This morning I woke up at 4:30 from a nightmare. I read and prayed myself back to sleep begging God not to let the bad dreams come back. I awoke again w/ J's alarm having an even worse nightmare. This is normal for me during pms. I have always had trouble with swinging emotions during pms. These dreams paralyze me with fear and anger until I can fully wake up and get my bearings. I asked God why would he allow to me wake this morning crying in pain. I have been praying about what to write and I believe He does not want me to make it sound like this was the fairy tale version of affair recovery. It was not and I do not think that exsists. If it does leave me a comment and I want to read your blog!

I will try to continue tomorrow. My nephew is spending tonight with us and flying back home tomorrow, so if I don't post, I will for sure on Wednesday.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

Blessings,
Heather Kay

Commitment

The month after the affair we really just focused in on recovery. We knew that we would have enough money to get through 2 months of job searching beyond that month. Our kids had been through so much. My daughter was right in the middle of everything that happened the day J "broke the news". She understood what was going on and was very emotional and scared for a long time after we moved back home. While J and I were recovering, the kids relationship with their dad was also. As I said before, he had been pulling away from all of us. My son did not know the details and he did not want to know. He is a very sensitive little fellow, he is also very private with his feelings, we really have to work to draw him out.

There were many days where J was very down. It was very hard for him to grasp all that he had done and all that he had lost because of it. As he shared in his post he had slowly slid into this sin. I would pray for him and with him and try to be an encouragement. We might have a couple really good days and then the sadness would overwhelm me. I had days of anger, days of hurt, days of exhaustion, days of wondering if staying was the right thing.

In my life I had several people close to me who had gone through affairs. I always looked at the partner who stayed as weak. I thought to myself, I am stronger than that. I would never let someone walk over me like that. What I learned in the months following the affair is that it takes strength that I never imagined to stay. In myself I was not strong enough! I knew however, that God wanted me to stay. This was not a case of my husband being a philanderer. He was not out looking for this. Satan had used all of his tricks to get to my husband. I wish I could share all of the schemes he used but that would also be putting to many details of O out here on the internet.
J was a big threat to Satan, our church was thriving, there were people getting saved, the attendance was booming, lives were being changed.

Okay, I threw that paragraph in for free. Back to wondering if staying was the right thing. Our 11th anniversary was about 3 weeks after we moved back home. J was wanting to surprise me with renewing our vows for our anniversary. This was his way of letting me know he was committed forever to our marriage. I am so glad that the pastor had the wisdom to advice him to wait awhile. I was not at that point yet. There were days when I thought I was and then other days where I really just wanted to run. There was a definite war that was being fought for my marriage. Finally, one day while I was sobbing, (again) J realized that I had not committed to staying. When he said this to me, it was like a light bulb came on. I was holding on to the I can still leave him card. I mean, he did cheat on me, and no one would blame me if I did. J told me he wanted a commitment. I told him I needed time. I was not just going to make this commitment lightly. I do not remember how many days later it was, but I do remember the weight that lifted from me when I came to him and said I will stay. I came back to that commitment many times in the months that followed. God was preparing me for yet another time of trusting Him.

Up next J desperately needs a job!

Blessings,
Heather Kay

The Job

J started looking in earnest for a job the first week of October. He searched through the paper, job magazines, and the internet. There were A LOT of jobs in our area. He put in MANY resumes and did not get any calls. Well, he did get calls from a couple of jobs where you pay yourself through "training" like insurance, or other commission based jobs with no guarantee of salary.

At first this was not a big deal. We continued to pray everyday that God would put J in a position that would pay the bills and I could stay home with the kids and finish out the year home schooling. (I felt very strongly that God wanted me to be home this year)

As the weeks went by and our reserve dwindled it became very difficult for both of us. J became very discouraged. He began to talk with his brother about a job possibility in Minnesota. This was exciting to him for a variety of reasons. It would give us a new place to start over, the job would support us, and he's naturally drawn to change. I was more opposed to this than any of the other moves we had ever made. I was back "home" where I had a support system. After an argument one day we went to Bro. R.E. for some counseling. We just could not resolve this issue.

Bro. R.E. was such a big help. He helped us both see the others point of view. When we left we agreed to continue to pursue options here at home. We also had a deadline that we would move to Minnesota after Christmas if J had not found a job.

Our house had been up for sale this whole time. We had a few people seem interested but no one went through with buying it. As Christmas drew near it was time to face the fact that we were going to be moving. In the months that J had been looking for a job he had two interviews and neither of them resulted in a job. My family was very opposed to this move. (They were opposed to the move to the last church also, this gave them more fuel against J this time) Isn't it funny that even though we may not fully support our spouses decisions sometimes, when our family jumps in against them, then we dig in our spouses side. After typing that I realized that it may just be my rebellious nature and not yours. Anyway that is what I did. I went to bat for J and our decision to move. Meanwhile the house had not sold and I was begging God for a way out.

I had not unpacked everything. The sad thing is that my house had never even had a picture hung in it. Shortly after we first moved in, we moved out. Now we were back but not settled still.
We packed everything back up. My parents were coming for Christmas and it would be a very hard one for all of us.

We were about 3 weeks away from moving. On a Wednesday night we were headed to church and had to drop off movies on the way. This is significant because where we live we drive through a dead area for cell phones on our way to church. Instead when the wiring on my car caught fire we were in town still. Praise the Lord. This was very out of the blue. This car was fairly new and had never been a problem. We called the dealership and they came and towed it the next day. They have a dealership in our hometown and then a larger one in a sister town. They took it to the hometown dealership and kept it there about a week. When we called to check on it they said they were taking it to the other service department to fix.

We had bought it there because the owner and management are Christians and friends of ours. When J went in to pick it up he sat down with the President of the company. (our christian friend)(G) and told him about our upcoming move. G offered him a job right then. He said he could start the second week of January. Although we were both prepared to move, we were prepared for God to leave us at home too. It turns out that this was the week before Christmas.

When J came home and talked to me about it I was so overcome with emotions. God was showing me His loving kindness again! We took the for sale sign from in front of our house and wrapped it. We took it to my sister's house and with the whole family there we gave it to her. My whole family was weeping with joy. We did not have much for Christmas that year but the gift of not moving was the best we could have received. The kids will still tell you it was their best gift.

Psalm 23:1-2,3A
The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul!!

Blessings,
Heather Kay

The Salesman

I am now caught up to one year ago. J worked as a car salesman all year last year. We both really learned a lot about the business. I am very skeptical by nature and have always thought the salesmen were making "thousands" of dollars off me when I bought a car.

I'm going to back up and say that J sat down w/ his new boss G before agreeing to work there. He asked how they did business and told G that he would never lie to a customer. We talked about J being like the Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego of the car business. I know that there are many christian sales people I just have not come across many of them in my time.

God in His wisdom put J in a job where he had to rely on Him for every dollar. It was not something J could control. It was also humbling to go from pastor to car salesman. This job was so good for bringing our family together. Although we had never made a lot of money as a pastor's family, (yeah right) it was always a steady income. We could budget and stay within our means.

The kids and I would have our devotion and get on our knees and pray that God would send daddy customers who needed cars. I would be open with them about specific dollar amounts we were asking God to provide and we prayed specifically for that also. God, as He always does, would show up in His timing. I remember weeks where it would be looking so bleak. Then J would sell three cars while it was snowing outside. Now who gets the glory for that?!

We made it through last year, we never went without, and our bills were paid. We also wrote out our tithe check first, before paying the bills, every paycheck. When we rec'd our tax statement our income was almost 40% less than it had been the year before.

J has worked very hard to train for a management position at the dealership over the past year. He was promoted last month to business manager. Praise the Lord! Our son walked into an Upward Basketball meeting and a friend of ours said, "I hear your dad got a promotion." and our son said, "Yeah, now we can pay the bills!".

We are praying for God's will for our family. If He wants J to stay in this position then that is what he'll do. However, it is both of our heart to serve Him in ministry again. Some say that J disqualified himself from ministry, others say that God's grace is big enough. I am willing to go and do whatever God leads.

Matthew 6:33-34
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Blessings,
Heather Kay