Saturday, March 14, 2015

Harold ~ 10,000 Reasons

It's been so long since I have written that I had quite a time getting back in here. I have wanted to write on occasion over the last few years, but I have been in a season of withdrawal. However, the Lord won't allow me to let go of this blog post. The truth is, I don't want to write it. It's raw, and parts of this story hurt my pride. I am a flawed human, broken, but in love with my Savior.

2 years ago I discovered porn on JD's computer. The Holy Spirit lead me to it. It was during a local mission week at our church. We had an excellent guest speaker in, and we were working hard alongside the teens; I thought we had it all together. I had told JD more than once, after he was unfailthful to me, that there would not be a second chance. I meant it with my whole heart. When I found the porn, my love for him died. I was ready to leave him. I only stayed the next few days because I didn't want to interrupt my kids mission week. God, of course, knew this would be the timing. He knew that I would've been gone if it was a "normal" week. I was working in the sound room during the services, and after finding the porn I just stayed in there, instead of going to my seat by JD. I could see him, broken, weeping before the Lord, woshipping with his hands raised. But, I was not affected by it at all. He had been lying to me our whole marriage. I told him he was dead to me, and I meant it. At night, I would wake up and he would be kneeling by the bed praying.

The Sunday of mission week, JD wanted to tell the congregation. I asked him not to. I wasn't ready for the humiliation, and I wanted to leave him during the upcoming week. I didn't want any of the church people trying to talk me out of it. He basically confessed, without bringing up the specific sin, during his message that morning. The invitation was a moving time. Our sweet Bekah shared her personal testimony, and during that I knew I had to share what was going on. In front of the church, I told the story. I also said I didn't know if I would be staying with him. I sat down at the altar; my friends came and prayed over me, over us. I was stripped bare.

There were some things that I knew. I knew that I was a child of the King. I knew that I would continue to serve Him. I knew that He would give me the strength to go on. I knew that I was leaving JD.

My children were terribly hurt. They found this out with the congregation, which is something I will
always regret. I wanted to make this as easy as possible for them. So, I was going to stay awhile and let them finish up their summer activities while I made plans for our future.

We are always very busy in the summer months at EBC. 2013 was no exception. But, there was a big difference going on around our house. JD was humbly pursuing God, at all hours of the day and night. He was begging the Lord for another chance with his family. It was sincere, and it showed. I had a huge wall built up that only the Lord could tear down. There were many instances where he had been praying for the Lord's leading to know what to say or do to help me see that he was sincere, and I would be amazed. The Lord speaks to us when we listen.

I was beginning to soften toward J within a month, but I was guarded. Honestly, my internal attitude was that I would ride along for as long as the good times lasted, hoping to finish the kids schooling during the "good". I would not give him my heart, and he would never be able to hurt me again. I was not at all committed.

I have not told my immediate family of this to this day. I didn't want to "stand up" for JD again. It felt foolish to say all the same things...this time it's real, etc. I needed him to walk it out for a long time before I could stand by his side, and claim I'm in good hands. He has continued to walk it out.

Now the reason for the title of this blog post...

Harold was a very dear man. He was my neighbor. The reason he was my neighbor is because he donated the land for EBC, the church JD pastors, and the home of the parsonage where I live. He was a gentle and kind man. He was a servant. He was one of the hardest working men I have known. He was always outside working in his gardens, climbing ladders, and hauling things with his "motorcycle" (4 wheeler). He donated his time cleaning the church, and keeping the large yard mowed and looking nice. He was kind to all; everyone loved this soft spoken man. He loved the Lord, and stood strong on what he believed. He was diagnosed with cancer sometime in 2012 I believe. He was a fighter, and continued strong in his body and in his faith until the end. His end came on August 7th. During the last week of his life, he was in a tremendous amount of pain. He would have some peace when we sang to him. JD & I stayed with his family the last 3 days at hospice. I watched this man of God fight hard to stay alive. He was beating all the statistics. They would give him hours to live, and he would go another day. We all felt he was hanging on for something specific to happen. I believe now that he was hanging on for JoNell, his wife. He knew how much she relied on him; he was her rock. I witnessed first hand someone who stayed the course. To the end Harold was faithful. I wanted to be like him. 

God was speaking to me as I watched the end of Harold's life. He was showing me that I was not being obedient with the compromise that I had come up with for my life. That I was not all in with Him, if I was not all in with JD. He was also showing me a new man in JD. 

That summer there was a Christian song that was very popular, "10,000 reasons."

I heard it on the way home from hospice after Harold passed. He was always punctual, and he went to be with the Lord at 4 o'clock sharp that morning. Those of us gathered around his bed were singing "Jesus is Tenderly Calling Me Home" as he took his last breath. 

Here are a few lines from 10,000 reasons, and what they mean to me.

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

God is the ultimate source of love, He has forgiven me over and over. If my goal is to look more like Jesus, which it is, then I need to be slow to anger, forgiving, and kind. His goodness is the reason I chose then, and I choose now to be obedient to Him. 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

I watched as Harold's strength failed. His soul sang with ours right to the end, and I know that he is praising the Lord in heaven. 

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

When we got home I asked JD to lay on the trampoline with me. The sun was coming up, it was a beautiful sunrise, and this song was going through my head. I knew it was time for our "new day." I knew that I could sing again, and that whatever was going to happen, I wanted to choose love, obedience, joy, peace. I told JD that morning that I was jumping in with both feet again. Committing to him, and to our marriage. It has been hard; there have been a lot of tears, and I have built walls that had to be torn down. I fight with Satan and his lies almost daily, and this life is a battle. But, it's a battle worth fighting! 

I often feel like my old husband, JD, did die on that awful day, and I received a new husband. He is truly different. I am grateful to serve the God of another chance. He alone is awesome! 

I know this is a book, yet there are so many questions that aren't answered here. If you have questions for me, or I can be of a help to you, please feel free to message me. I truly believe that God never wastes anything in our lives. 

10,000 Reasons Chorus ~

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

Heather Kay

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Happy 11th Birthday, Eli!

Happy Birthday to my little man!

He requested his favorite breakfast in bed, so, that is what he got.
Biscuits, bologna gravy, eggs, and fried apples!
It's pouring rain today, so he will not be outside to play on his new trampoline. Instead, we are heading to the old birthday stand-by...Chuck E. Cheese!

Have a great day!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Blizzard 2011 Pic's For the Family

For my Florida family

9 AM

10 AM

11:45 AM

When Blizzard 2011 Comes In.....

The parents wake up hearing the ice hitting the windows at 4:30 AM, and move into action.

Big nasty farm dogs get to sleep in the laundry room.

10 year old boys sleep in their new birthday sleds, dreaming of snow days, forts, & sledding.

The ice is covering the ground at this point, and blizzard conditions with up to 16" of snow are expected today. I love it!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Happy New Year

On the 1st, while getting ready to go to my sister's house. I walked outside, and right in front of my house, stood a cow with a leg hanging out her back end. Since we moved here I have wanted to see a calf born. The field behind my house is where the dairy cows have their down time. These dairy cows provide milk for Kraft. From the time they are being bred until they calf, they are in our pasture. Most of them like to go off by themselves when they give birth, so I have seen many hours-old calves over the year, but never one being born. This mama stayed within 15 feet of the fence that separated us and gave birth to this cow. I was so excited! Truly, God has spoken to me most over the years through nature. On this day, I was reminded that He is the giver of life and new beginnings. May 2011 bring us closer to Him!

There is a picture below taken within minutes of the birth. If you click it to view large, or look too close, you will see some afterbirth. If you are squeamish, don't look!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

10 Year Old Boys

Here are a few shots of my Brother, Sister, our spouses & kids during the visit. See the 10 year old? (Eli) No one noticed that he was blowing a bubble in every shot we took together...UGH! There are literally 15-20 pictures like this. Oh well, it will be something to laugh at when I am older.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Miss Emma Comes to Hayee's House

Christmas was wonderful this year, BUT, the best part was the week after when Miss Emma arrived with her mom & dad for a week. She kept us all smiling all week long. I am Hayee to my nieces and nephews because my first nephew Travis named me that. This Hayee spoiled this little lady as much as I could get away with. She loves Elmo so Karlee & I met her at the airport with Elmo shirts on and a bag of Sesame Street goodies & books for the ride home. We were instant friends. The week went by much too fast, but my siblings and our spouses had a great time together.

This first picture is Emma sitting in our family high chair. Dad, you will have to help me with how many generations have used it.

She was so cute all bundled up in her winter gear.


Big eyes, big sippy

Big girl carrying cousin Karlee's purse