I have not posted in a couple of days. I have been very busy with my sister's family and the kids being on spring break. Also, I have been praying over how to go on. If this was a book on recovering from an affair, I would give all kinds of good advice and keep the ugly stuff out of it. But this is not a book, it is my story and I am a real, sinful, fallen human being, who happens to be saved by grace.
The week following that Sunday J's best friend (R) drove across his state and our own to see him. He is a pastor and he and J met on a mission trip to Brazil. They have the kind of friendship you usually only find once in your life. I was very amazed and touched at his selflessness to leave his home for the week to make sure we were okay. He stayed w/ another dear friend of ours to give us space and time to heal and we just got together each day. He helped us through changing our phone #'s and a few other walls we needed to break down.
At this point J was sorry for his sin, however, the impact of what he had lost was becoming very real to him also. When we are doing what God called us to do, we are always happiest. God had called J to preach. Any other job was not going to compare. He was lost, his degree and everything he had worked for no longer meant anything. We had about a months salary in savings and I was not at a point where I could even imagine him going back to work. We were both so weak at this point.
I was not eating and barely sleeping. On Tuesday our friend (who came out Saturday) Bro. R.E. invited us and R(this is who he was staying with) to supper. He and his wife have the gift of hospitality. They welcomed us with open arms and Bro. R.E. made us laugh with stories the whole evening. It was the first time either of us had laughed, and, it was the first whole meal that I had eaten since the previous Wednesday.
While we were there J got a call from a deacon at the former church. They had a deacons meeting and had voted to pay J 3 months salary. They loved us and wanted us to be able to take some time to heal and for J to find a job. Isn't this amazing?! That church who had just been hurt so bad was showing God's forgiving love and grace to us. I am still astounded at this.
When R left to go home we were both kind of lost. We had to get used to a new kind of normal. We had not been together this much ever in our marriage. He was always home! We started every day reading our Bibles. We would each write a verse that stood out from what we read on a sheet of paper and I would post that paper on the fridge. Soon our fridge was covered in great verses. We also got on our knees and prayed together before we left our room each morning. Looking back I realize how many blessings the Lord was pouring on us during that time. I was aware of His presence like never before, but, I truly was so hurt, and scared of the future, that I could not fully see everything He was doing for me right then.
This morning I woke up at 4:30 from a nightmare. I read and prayed myself back to sleep begging God not to let the bad dreams come back. I awoke again w/ J's alarm having an even worse nightmare. This is normal for me during pms. I have always had trouble with swinging emotions during pms. These dreams paralyze me with fear and anger until I can fully wake up and get my bearings. I asked God why would he allow to me wake this morning crying in pain. I have been praying about what to write and I believe He does not want me to make it sound like this was the fairy tale version of affair recovery. It was not and I do not think that exsists. If it does leave me a comment and I want to read your blog!
I will try to continue tomorrow. My nephew is spending tonight with us and flying back home tomorrow, so if I don't post, I will for sure on Wednesday.
Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.