It's 3:30 A.M. and I can't sleep. Reliving these memories is very hard and the sooner I get to the other side of this weekend's story the better.
A couple of things from Wednesday night. At one point while we were talking, J said I can feel the power of the prayers that are being prayed for us. We later found out that there were many couples who prayed for us through that night. One couple even drove over to where we were to make sure he had not left me alone and to pray in front of the house we were staying at. It was very powerful!
At some point during that night I said to J, "God made me for you, I was made for you and you were made for me." This had a strong impact on J.
In my own strength I am nothing, however, during this time I really had relinquished control to the Holy Spirit and His work through me during this time was amazing. I say this only to brag on the awesome God I serve.
Thursday morning J came to me and told me he was ready to be the husband God wanted him to be. We spent that day with friends from the church and he was really strong sharing what God had done. When we got back to the house that night I knew he was getting weaker. The spiritual warfare in that house was so strong. It was a heaviness that I could feel. I knew that we needed to get out of there.
Friday morning J was having second thoughts about staying with me. I just told him that if he contacted O in any way I was done. I truly meant that. I decided that I had to get him with some of the good christian men from the church and I needed to get myself out of that house and back home. I knew that I would be okay if I could move back to my home community. We had a large support group there and even if J did not come home the other pastors would make sure I was taken care of.
I called my sister and told her the situation. Quickly she and her husband were on their way to help me move. I don't remember how it happened but one of the ladies from the new church got wind of what I was doing. The lady who had been in front of my house praying and the lady who kept my kids Wed. both showed up at that parsonage. One with boxes and food, and the other with a truck and teenagers to help me move. I was a complete mess. Of course nothing in my house had been packed and the place was a total wreck. I am still amazed when I look back at that day. By 4:30 in the afternoon we were totally moved back home.
When I walked into my home I was overwhelmed with God's love for me. You see I had prayed for 5 months that He would sell this house. I had begged Him to sell it. I just knew that if He would sell it things would be better for us. He knew all along that I would need my home waiting for me. I am welling up with tears right now thinking about how protected and loved by my Heavenly Father I felt that night.
Side note: The lady with the truck spent that whole day working harder than three men for me. I have never seen anything like it. Later I learned that it was her birthday. I thank God for these christian ladies who sacrificed for me!!
Meanwhile J had spent the day with two men from the church and they had counseled him and listened to him all day. When he showed up at home, I was not sure if I wanted him there. He was not sure if he wanted to be there either. There was only one couple left at our house. The wife said she really wanted us to go in the bedroom and get on our knees and pray together. She was not going to take no for an answer.
We did go and pray together. That started something that we did often for the next months. Sometimes it was me having moments of weakness and other times it was him. He struggled with forgiving himself for what he had done. He also had lost the ministry he loved.
That night I woke in the middle of the night and God revealed my sin in my marriage to me. I am not taking the blame for what J did. I only know that for us I did have a large part in his need for affection that I was not meeting. I shared with him the hurt and fear of rejection I had held onto for so long. It's an odd thing how insecurity causes us to push away the one we need the most.
Saturday is a blur. I really don't remember it. I know a dear pastor friend of ours came out that morning and counseled with us but don't remember the rest of the day.
Sunday I knew I had to be the strong one in getting us to church. This was very hard for J. The pastor is a close friend of ours and did know the story. He had even come up to talk to us on Thursday. When we walked into his Sunday School class there were tears just flowing down J's face. Bro. S (our pastor still) just said, "Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord.".
The message that day was in II Corinthians 7. Now Bro. S preaches verse by verse through the Bible so this message was not directed at J by him. However, it could not have been more directed at J by the Holy Spirit. Verses 9-11 are what he preached on.
II Cor. 7:9-11
Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted: but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
By the end of that message J had godly sorrow. He went to the altar and cried out for forgiveness. I was beside him and we were both weeping. This is truly when our healing began.
I think I will go back to bed now.