The month after the affair we really just focused in on recovery. We knew that we would have enough money to get through 2 months of job searching beyond that month. Our kids had been through so much. My daughter was right in the middle of everything that happened the day J "broke the news". She understood what was going on and was very emotional and scared for a long time after we moved back home. While J and I were recovering, the kids relationship with their dad was also. As I said before, he had been pulling away from all of us. My son did not know the details and he did not want to know. He is a very sensitive little fellow, he is also very private with his feelings, we really have to work to draw him out.
There were many days where J was very down. It was very hard for him to grasp all that he had done and all that he had lost because of it. As he shared in his post he had slowly slid into this sin. I would pray for him and with him and try to be an encouragement. We might have a couple really good days and then the sadness would overwhelm me. I had days of anger, days of hurt, days of exhaustion, days of wondering if staying was the right thing.
In my life I had several people close to me who had gone through affairs. I always looked at the partner who stayed as weak. I thought to myself, I am stronger than that. I would never let someone walk over me like that. What I learned in the months following the affair is that it takes strength that I never imagined to stay. In myself I was not strong enough! I knew however, that God wanted me to stay. This was not a case of my husband being a philanderer. He was not out looking for this. Satan had used all of his tricks to get to my husband. I wish I could share all of the schemes he used but that would also be putting to many details of O out here on the internet.
J was a big threat to Satan, our church was thriving, there were people getting saved, the attendance was booming, lives were being changed.
Okay, I threw that paragraph in for free. Back to wondering if staying was the right thing. Our 11th anniversary was about 3 weeks after we moved back home. J was wanting to surprise me with renewing our vows for our anniversary. This was his way of letting me know he was committed forever to our marriage. I am so glad that the pastor had the wisdom to advice him to wait awhile. I was not at that point yet. There were days when I thought I was and then other days where I really just wanted to run. There was a definite war that was being fought for my marriage. Finally, one day while I was sobbing, (again) J realized that I had not committed to staying. When he said this to me, it was like a light bulb came on. I was holding on to the I can still leave him card. I mean, he did cheat on me, and no one would blame me if I did. J told me he wanted a commitment. I told him I needed time. I was not just going to make this commitment lightly. I do not remember how many days later it was, but I do remember the weight that lifted from me when I came to him and said I will stay. I came back to that commitment many times in the months that followed. God was preparing me for yet another time of trusting Him.
Up next J desperately needs a job!