I have been down for 3 weeks tomorrow. Today, I lost it for just a little while. I was crying, and feeling useless, sick, stuck in a chair, unable to help J get ready for his dad to come in tomorrow. Just really feeling sorry for myself. I even posted a pitiful "ugh" on Facebook hoping to get some sympathy from my friends. (which I got)
My night, last night, consisted of sleeping from 10-12, waking up miserable, tossing and turning (as much as you can in a recliner) moaning, and asking J to please wake up and move Eli out of our bed and help me try to sleep in it. That move occurred at 1:45. Then I laid there until 2:30 at which time I finally fell asleep. Wide awake and in pain, I had to wake J up at 7, to help me to the restroom. I decided I might as well go back to the recliner and let him sleep awhile. I needed to take some Tylenol, and therefore needed something in my stomach. I asked nicely for some cereal, and I heard him getting it ready for me. He knows that I only like the little spoons when I eat cereal. There were not any clean, and I heard him washing me a little spoon. He didn't say a word about washing the spoon, being exhausted, which he is, he didn't say anything about NEVER getting a whole nights sleep for 3 weeks. About taking care of my potty chair. (I would never do a #2 in there...sorry if that is too much info, but I'm just sayin.) He just gently got me arranged in my chair, got my breakfast, ice water, medicine, the remotes, and asked if he could do anything else for me. He told me he loved me and went back to bed.
This is just one very small example of the sacrifices that J has made over the last 3 weeks. In our almost 14 years of marriage, I have never been down like this. When I had my babies, my mom was there to take care of things until I got back on my feet. He has been down a few times, his stomach ailment, a dirt bike accident, a broken arm, etc. During those times he has been a wonderful patient. Now, he has been a wonderful caretaker, much better than I ever was to him. I hate to admit it, but it has surprised me.
You see, I am a doer, I like to do (almost) all the work around the house. I have never asked him to help out with things like laundry, cooking, etc. Typically, he comes home to a clean house and a warm home cooked meal, and I even make his plate & cut his meat. I don't know why, I just do. And, I love it.
In the last few years many things have changed in our marriage. We have both learned how to love each other better than ever before. One of the things J tells me often is "I love you fervently, and I am going to be by your side taking care of you until the day I die." I have to admit that I have struggled w/ believing that he would really "take care of me". I still have insecurity issues from the past hurts, and often I need to be re-assured. I will look him in the eyes, and ask, "are you sure your in love with me?" Honestly, I can not be told that enough.
One of the lessons God has taught me these last 3 weeks is that J IS going to take care of me. He has spent these weeks hovering over me. Lifting me off the chair, EVERY time I had to get up, bringing my med's and water, making mine & the kids plates before his own, sponge bathing me, doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning toilets, putting on my sock & shoe, helping me in and out of the van, emptying my throw-up bowl, caring for/loving our kids, adjusting the pillows under my leg, and many, many more things. He has done all of this patiently, and lovingly. He has not once lost his cool, or made me feel inferior, or like a nuisance. He has told me over and over that he loves me, and right now I am what is most important.
I just want to say, Thank You, J.D., I think you are wonderful!